How I Learnt To Do The Right Thing For Me

Two things have gotten me thinking recently about this summer and what I want out of it. I gave up my summer in the USA to come home. To come home to the sleepy little area where I grew up, to meals cooked by my mum and sharing a car with my dad. I gave up travelling across the states, somewhere I’ve always wanted to spend a lot of time there, of meeting new friends, gaining new experiences.

I said yes to something I wasn’t ready for. I said yes to something I didn’t really want. I said yes to something because I thought it was the way I could follow my dream. In reality, there are lots of different ways I can follow my dreams. Writing down how leaving America felt and explaining why lifted a weight of my chest and I closed that very brief chapter in my life.

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You Are Enough

I’ve compared myself to other people my whole life, through primary school and horse riding competitions, high school and then university. It is something I just can’t help. I’ve always worried about how I look, how I dress, that I’m too fat, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough, that I don’t smile enough. That I’m not doing the right things to get the career I want or my social life isn’t busy enough or I’m not making enough effort with people or attempting to go on dates or simply that I’m just not doing enough compared to everyone else.

I get stuck in circles of having a little person on my shoulder telling me I should just give up now because really, why am I even bothering when so and so and so and so is already doing it. Sometimes I blink and this feeling is over. Sometimes this feeling lasts for weeks and months and I just dwell on my own self-perceived failures.

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It Doesn’t Always Have To Work Out – And That’s Okay

My last blog post explained why I wouldn’t be blogging this summer, that I would be spending almost 3 months in West Virginia working on a summer camp and as a result, would be giving up my blog for the summer as it just wouldn’t be feasible.

Well surprise, I’m back. I could give you a hundred reasons why I’m not spending my summer on that camp but it all boils down to the fact I’m simply wasn’t all that happy. Yes I could have stuck it out longer. Yes I could have tried harder. Yes it was expensive and I should have thought things through a lot more.

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University Year Two

I thought I would be more sad about university being over for a second year but in all honesty, I’m bloody relieved. I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, my chest, everywhere and I can just breathe again. I can do things like read a book or blog or go to the shops without guilty that I should be revising. I can think about other things and have a few months to myself.

Moving out the flat is going to be sad, I’ll be really miss this flat. My window, my bed, my wardrobes. I’ll miss sitting on the windowsill and just watching the world go by with a cup of coffee or a can of diet coke. I’ll miss this area, I’ll miss Brunch coffees, avocado on toast from Meadow Road and browsing the Day Today for cheap wine and chocolate bars.

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Emptiness

Emptiness is a feeling that never really goes away. It is always there, lurking in the shadows, in the back of my mind. Making me feel lost, confused, scared, upset, all over again. It never fully disappears or leaves my mind. I’m always aware of it, conscious of the fact that these thoughts are always there, that they can become my focus all too easily and tug me back into a black space.

I chatted about feeling lost before and emptiness is another feeling which continues to raise it’s ugly head in my life. I’m a collector of things, a filler of spaces, a person consistently trying to fill empty voids and make them disappear. At the moment emptiness has creeped its way back into my thoughts by the loss of my routine, the knowledge that another era of my life is coming to a close.

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