I’ve compared myself to other people my whole life, through primary school and horse riding competitions, high school and then university. It is something I just can’t help. I’ve always worried about how I look, how I dress, that I’m too fat, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough, that I don’t smile enough. That I’m not doing the right things to get the career I want or my social life isn’t busy enough or I’m not making enough effort with people or attempting to go on dates or simply that I’m just not doing enough compared to everyone else.
I get stuck in circles of having a little person on my shoulder telling me I should just give up now because really, why am I even bothering when so and so and so and so is already doing it. Sometimes I blink and this feeling is over. Sometimes this feeling lasts for weeks and months and I just dwell on my own self-perceived failures.
It can be even harder to battle past the idea of not being good enough in our social media orientated world. Holiday snaps from exotic destinations shared on Instagram day after day, spreading the feeling that it is the norm to go on three plus holidays a year – am I doing things wrong if I’m not? Am I failing, am I behind? Pictures taken by “Instagram husbands” is unfeasible for me because I’m as single as the word itself, will I never get my blog off the ground if I don’t have a other half to take things for me for my grid? Little things which are just a drop in the ocean to other people suddenly feel like the most unachievable thing in the world. People living the most exciting social lives, out here there and everywhere, whilst I sit at home in my pyjamas firing up yet another episode of Love Island.
Everyone appears to be living their best life online, wearing their most Pinterest worthy clothes, drinking at Instagram worthy bars and brunching at Instagram worthy cafes, hanging out with all their best people whilst I sit at home in my pants and write yet another list of things I want to do in the next week, mainly I aspire to get up before 9.30. All of my offline fears of not being good enough become heightened by what I’m seeing online. That’s not me because I’m too fat. That’s not me because I don’t make enough effort. That’s not me because I’m just plain weird. It is toxic for people who don’t have much self-confidence or self-belief, things don’t become possible by seeing other people doing it, they become a fairy tale you’ll never see.
Blogging can be toxic in this kind of mindset. Everyone has brunch 5+ times a week in the trendiest of places, has the latest new make-up releases, goes on the fanciest holidays, buys the whole of Primark and attend cool events with hundreds of blogger friends. It makes me wonder why anyone bothers reading my blog at all when the content is me chatting about last month’s Papergang box as I’m always so far behind, sharing yet more bullet journal tips and occasionally throwing my sixpence in on summer beauty bits or style trends. I’m a very small fish in a very big pond and all these feelings of not being good enough almost overpowered me to just stop.
It makes me think why I like blogging in the first place. I don’t blog to get views (although that is nice) or to attend events or be sent things. I blog to speak about things simply because I want to. To write down how I feel about things online: my opinions, my thoughts, to use it as an online diary in case anyone else online feels the same way. I blog to grow my confidence, to come out of my shell a little more, to find my feet in this big wide world. I blog to make myself happy, to make myself content, to make myself smile, to write things I’m proud of. Blogging has become about swanky new releases and the nicest holiday destinations but it isn’t just that for me. I would love to jump on a plane to New York tomorrow if someone offered me that chance, I would like to be sent new releases or have more money to purchase them so I could share them as well. But I blog to write. Writing has been my release for so long and I forgot it for a little while and well, things really sucked then. But in my last six months despite how much I’ve just wanted to sack everything in, I haven’t because of my space online where I can talk. This place to share my voice. As place that I control and edit.
It can be so easy to be made to feel you just aren’t worth if you feel you don’t have the key components everyone else seems to. That you just don’t have the right things to be a blogger. But if you have 10,000, 100 or 6 followers, numbers don’t always have to matter. If you are writing about your weekend with your grandparents or six days in the Maldives, that doesn’t matter. It’s your voice and your space. At the end of the day, blog for you. This is to all you small bloggers/people who feel like shit due to social media/real life out there, you are enough and just keeping doing you.