a 2018 resolution.

Big surprise, I’ve got a resolution for 2018. So original and ahead of the game over here. I have one big resolution that is kind of an umbrella resolution. I’ve been trying to do this to varying degrees (with often limited success) for years, literally since I was about 13 or something.

In 2018 I want to be healthier. That’s my resolution. To really overhaul and change my quite ~ unhealthy ~ lifestyle because to be honest, it is sometimes quite appalling and the only person who can change that is me.

I have no exercise regime despite the fact I own a gym membership (lolz), some days I don’t eat any fruit or veg, I don’t think I’ve hit my five-a-day or whatever the quota is now in months, I never drink enough water, I drink too much Diet Coke and have an unhealthy addiction to cookies and chocolate buttons.

V healthy.

I’m not going to declare that I’m never eating chocolate again or giving up Diet Coke or can only be found in the gym from now on due to my strict schedule. Because that’ll never happen. Not in January anyway.

the year of living healthily.

So instead 2018 is going to be the year of healthier living so I can craft a healthy lifestyle that makes me feel good. Watching my old grannies struggle in their older years health wise combined with my dads operation in the summer has made me think a lot about the position I’m in and how I can change the way I live.

I have a gym membership that will be valid till September 2018. I have gym clothes I instead use to slob off to the iCafe in for a latte and cheese and chicken toastie rather than sweating it out. I actually really enjoy cooking (and eating) so why don’t I take the time to make something delicious and healthy instead of, oh its pesto pasta again tonight pals or worse, cheesy chips. Eating vegetables doesn’t have to be so hard.

And I’m tired of my own shitty insistence that it is. So 2018, you are going to be my healthy year.

I’m going to try and be really sensible with food. No going shopping when I’m hungry (do this all the time, it’s so bad, I leave with most of the biscuit department in my bag). Shopping to my budget and buying good things likes vegetables, fruit and healthy snacks so I don’t even feel tempted to eat the entire back of ginger biscuits at 8.30pm because I’m a bit peckish after dinner.

And I’m going to try really hard at not screaming ah fuck it and marching off to the shop at 8.30pm for a packet of biscuits. Why am I so undisciplined?

i want to be smart.

I want to get into a routine with the gym which I’m hoping to kick off with when I get back to Glasgow next week. Maybe a couple of classes or trying to go in a couple of times a week for a little workout. I want to find something that works for me so exercising becomes a joy and a part of my life, not some horrendous task I do once in a blue moon. I really want to get into this at the beginning of the semester so when university boots into gear later on I’ll already be settled into my routine and it will just be another part of my life.

I also want to be smarter with food. To plan more, take time to cook things I’ll actually enjoy, be more careful with my choices, to not overeat on some things and not see a vegetable all week. Food is important to me, especially with my background of being the daughter of a farmer, and I want to be smarter with it.

For Christmas I received some lovely gifts to help me with my healthier resolution. My sister very kindly gave me Jamie’s Five Ingredients which I’m so excited to get stuck into when I get back to Glasgow. My mum gave me a super spice rack from Next which will hopefully prevent most of concoctions tasting like well, nothing. Other exciting additions where a set of Nando’s sauces which I could honestly wet myself over as hot sauce makes everything better. Fact. And some flavoured oils including a chilli one which should make all my shite salads a bit sassier.

I want to become a healthier person. Not go on a diet or to slim down to fit into a dress, I want to become healthier. I don’t want to take my health for granted ~ I’m lucky to be in the position I’m in so I don’t want to waste my healthy (a bit overweight yeh) body for granted and start treating it proper.

I’m hoping this will have a rounded effect. I always feel better when I eat better so hopefully it will improve my mood. I love clothes (so fucking much) and I love styling but my perception of the way I look often holds me back from wearing what I want. When I do exercise, I always feel stronger, better, a good version of myself.

to cut back but not cut out.

Drinking is another ~ thing ~ I want to change. I’m a nineteen year old student so well, it kind of comes with the culture. My teenage years where spent traipsing around fields, farm sheds and living rooms with a bottle of cheap wine or Apple Sourz. Drunk me is a whole other persona that I don’t recognise and well, in the last six months I’ve worked on keeping her locked up. Sure, I love the thrill of a drink at the time – it makes me confident, ballsy, jolly. But I cannot handle the hangover.

It is the worst low mood day. It leaves me fragile. I can’t face people, I can’t get dressed, I feel horrible and drained. I shower obsessively and scrub my teeth. I spend most of the day fretting about, well, everything. The only thing I can do is fall down Wikipedia holes and lose myself in the archives of Hannah Gale or Chloe Plumstead and mindlessly watch movies on Netflix from the safety of my duvet ~ taking my mind of me.

I’m not declaring that in 2018 I’ll never drink again. Because that isn’t true. And I love a glass of wine at dinner with my parents or a cocktail at The Grosvenor with my girls. But I don’t need to get black out drunk to have fun or to be myself or to feel okay on a night out. So yes, my birthday plan is still to go to The Grosvenor midweek when the cocktail menu is half price so we can drink our way down the menu. But I’ll just be having a tipple on the occasion so I don’t write off my day and feel shit for approx 3 weeks. Plus it means I won’t eat so many packets of noodles that I risk becoming a noodle.

to take back control.

It isn’t just my physical health I want to sort out in 2018, its my mental health too. Talking about mental health often feels dirty and just something that shouldn’t be discussed, I know I certainly feel embarrassed talking about it with people who aren’t my flatmates.

It makes me feel like a complete failure that ~ yes ~ sometimes I cry a lot. Like a hell of a lot. Uncontrollable broken sobs that make my whole body shake and tears roll down my checks until they are soaked. But I can also go months without crying, just bottling it up quietly inside, until too many things happen at once and I just boil over.

The last two years have been rough, I’ve been rough and I’m not the same anymore. I’m thankful that I got the opportunity to study at university, to live in a city as lovely as Glasgow and to meet the wonderful people that I have but I sometimes wonder how much easier it would have been if none of that had happened.

I’m not an idiot and I know that any path taken would be just as choppy but for 2018, I want to try my very best at decluttering my path and sorting my head out. If that involves going to the doctors, then maybe I’ll just have to. If that involves investigating therapy so I can talk about my feelings (because shit I have a lot of them), then maybe I’ll do that. If it involves something as simple as writing in a journal every night and opening up to my friends when the worry and panic is too overwhelming.

But mentally I do want 2018 to be different. I want to stop ignoring how I feel, embrace it, accept it and move past it. If I start to overthink and panic about things, I want to get a handle on how to behave and react. I want to stop the situation going too far where I just explode in a pile of tears and lash out. I need to learn to help myself and ask for help if I need it.

Since coming to university, the biggest thing I’ve learnt is that anyone can feel sad. There is no magic ingredient to making it happen. Nothing has to suddenly snap. It can be quick, overnight and overwhelming or it can be slow, silent and ebb at you slowly until its consumed you. I’ve been angry and upset and not myself for too long. This feeling, this emptiness has affected too many things already and I’ve just ignored it because I thought that would be easier. For two years I’ve accepted that panicking and worrying and overthinking everything is my normality and there is nothing I can do about it because it isn’t seriousness enough.  But if it is affecting how I feel and how my life is, then it is serious and it is unhealthy to ignore it.

And on one final healthy note ~ I shall be trying to eat way less sugar in January. My sister told me I won’t last two days so em, gotta do better than that to prove her wrong. It is definitely going to be trickier when I get back to university because popping off to Sainsbury’s every second minute for a chocolate bar or two becomes v easy to do again. I’ve been stocking up on non sugary snacks and thanking the gods that Diet Coke is sugar free and I’m kind of excited for it to start now? Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll keep you all updated with daily whinges on Twitter and Instagram.

So that’s my 2018 plan pals. To be healthier. To eat better, drink more water, be smart with food. To exercise, take joy from it, drink less. To take care of myself physically and emotionally.  To be a healthier individual and not take what I have for granted. I’m getting exited now!