Being a waitress is bloody hard. Really bloody hard. You have to deal with the worst kind of people, almost whilst smiling through your teeth because “the customer is always right”. Even if they are so obviously bloody wrong. Despite this, it is still a very energetic and at times, hilarious job, and I’m pretty thankful for the years I spent carrying plates.
1. People who tell you to “keep the change” can be the most infuriating people ever. Why thank you sir for 19 pence tip you’ve left – that will take all 3 of us who are on tonight far in life.
2. You become extremely practised in the art of saying sorry. No joke. You apologise for everything. “Sorry about the wait.” “Sorry about that, I’ll get you another one.” “Sorry you’re drinks are just coming” SORRY SORRY SORRY
3. People who are equally annoying as the “keep the change-rs” are people who don’t read the menu properly and then act like it’s your fault they are idiots. “Why doesn’t Harry have onion rings with his burger? The menu said it came with onion rings.” Em no missus if you read the fucking menu correctly you would see it came with ONE onion ring inside the burger thank you.
4.Your constant thoughts to the customers are: tip hard or go home.
5. You curse 19734878 times a French/German/Spanish tourist walks in – why didn’t you stick with languages in school????
6. Touching someone else’s food is all “ewwww” until it’s a bowl of chips or a half-eaten chocolate pudding then it’s all come to mumma.
7. You have a distinctive dislike for anyone who tries to change the menu. “No sir you can’t have falafel in the bean burger, you can have the bean burger in the bean burger.”
8. You hate English mustard due to the horrific stain it leaves behind. RIP black shirt. Black jeans. Black apron. Black errythaang’
9. The last pen = fight to the death between you and your fellow waiting staff.
10. Dropping a knife in the dining room equals a feeling of overwhelming shame. You are just the worst waitress ever who can’t even carry an empty plate without dropping something. *sad face*
11. You become obsessed with Tripadvisor, reading every review and … OH MY GOD IS THAT YOUR NAME THEY SAID YOU WERE LOVELY YOU’VE MADE IT!
12. And when someone criticises something about your work on Tripadvisor: WELL THAT IS ALL LIES AND YOU KNOW IT PBERRY936!
13. Having a “favourite” starter, main and pudding so you can fire them off when a customer asks what you personally would have despite never having never tasted any of them. Lol advice-giver you.
14. The most common question between your fellow waiting staff on a morning is “anyone else want a coffee” as you treat yourself to a cappuccino and allllll the chocolate.
15. Referring to really hot plates as “molten lava” when you are required to carry them with a thin cloth. Oh life is unfair.
16. Guarding your order pad with your life. It’s your bae really <3333.
17. Arguing like crazy with all your mates who are also waitresses about the correct way to set a table, how to make a latte and what the definition of a “busy night” is.
18. Another fight to the death: who gets to polish cutlery at the end of the night and who has to deal with the remaining customers. Lol you guys.
19. Dreading the weekend. Especially a holiday. What has your life become.
20. Being asked what something is on the menu and shitting yourself when you realise you don’t know what “furikake seasoning” is. What happened to good old salt and pepper???
21. Buuuuut deespite all your moanings, you wouldn’t change it for the world <3.
Original Post Date: September 2015