Whilst my three weeks in Italy have been incredible, it has been the worst I’ve ever felt about my body. Probably ever. The whole of 2018 has been pretty shoddy in that department. I’ve never felt more massive, uncomfortable and unhappy with how I look.
And it was awful. I was in a beautiful place with so many things to see, gorgeous sunny weather and it was the most exciting thing I’ve done to date. Italy was beautiful but the thought of what to wear every morning had me filled with little bits of dread.
But every time I got dressed in the morning I felt uncomfortable. Every time I sat down I felt too big. Lying by the pool was a nightmare as I felt stuck and not unlike a beached whale. Eating carbs after carbs after carbs in the form of pizza and pasta had me feeling sick at times.
The way I was feeling about my body in a way, ruined my experience as it was all I could think about it times and it was overwhelming.
I’ve never been body confident and feeling fat is something I’ve been focussed on since my final year of primary school. Since I was 11. It has fluctuated throughout the last decade but it always come back.
I always end up in tears, unable to get it out of my head and vowing silently to change.
It has always been like this
I know I’m not fat or even plus-size to some degree but I can’t erase the image I have of myself from my head. Some days in Italy it was all I could focus on whilst sitting by the pool, convinced others were staring at me and talking about me.
Italy was beautiful and the weather was divine but I’ve never done well in the heat. I get flustered easily, burn easily, hot and bothered easily. Summer clothes don’t look great on me and because of my reluctance to embrace summer and accept my size and my body, a lot of my clothes don’t fit great and leave me feeling worse.
And it wasn’t just poolside I was feeling uncomfortable. Everything I tried on didn’t feel right, it was on my mind all the time, and it just makes me so sad that so much of my mental energy was focused on how I looked.
I have no picture of me from this trip. I have a tonne of Rome, Pompei, the food I ate, the things I saw but there are none of me. Perhaps maybe one of my mum’s camera that I told her not to show me afterwards as I’d just spend the rest of the trip thinking about it.
None of me at the Colosseum, at Pompei, wandering the streets of Rome, on the beach in Positano.
I just couldn’t go through with it – I wouldn’t be able to look at it and if I did accidentally glance at it or if curiosity got the better of me, I would be gutted with how I looked and spend the rest of my trip feeling devastated about it.
So I have no photo memories of me actually being in Italy which is fucking rubbish.
However, a good bikini
That’s why I needed a bikini that supposed me, even on the days where I was feeling dire and wanted to lay in bed all because I felt too fat to be outside and wanted to hide.
Usually I leave swimwear shopping to the last minute as it is just something I can’t even fathom because of how it will make me feel. So I end up with a crappy £2 Primark triangle bikini that looks absolutely dire on me and I hate it.
But UK Swimwear have come to my rescue this time around with a gorgeous bikini that I do love. Something I genuinely looked forward to wearing, even if I didn’t have my photo taken in it. The Anita Rosa Faia Aurora is underwired, comfortable and in this gorgeous pink/red floral print.
After wearing this I don’t think I can go back to having my boobs flounder carelessly around in a shit bikini top after having them supported. I wasn’t worried I’d be arrested for public indecency and a nip slip when getting in the pool!
I’ve always stayed away from high waisted bottoms as I didn’t want them to draw attention to my stomach area as I’m so paranoid and insecure about it. But in these gorgeous bottoms I felt fine, a little streamlined even, and they were super comfortable for all the lazing around I was doing.
Having a good bikini that I felt comfortable in made all the difference to a holiday wardrobe where I felt shit. I just hope next year I can be in a more positive place with all of my clothes and I’m definitely going to be working towards that.
This post contains a gifted item.
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