it doesn’t always have to work out + that’s okay.

My last blog post explained why I wouldn’t be blogging this summer, that I would be spending almost 3 months in West Virginia working on a summer camp and as a result, would be giving up my blog for the summer as it just wouldn’t be feasible.

Well surprise, I’m back. I could give you a hundred reasons why I’m not spending my summer on that camp but it all boils down to the fact I’m simply wasn’t all that happy. Yes I could have stuck it out longer. Yes I could have tried harder. Yes it was expensive and I should have thought things through a lot more.

I’ve always rabbited on about wanting to travel and live abroad and be independent somewhere else. But spending that week in the USA made me realise some things. It made me realise how much I love being around my family and how much I just wanted to spend this summer at home.

I could go into detail about everything but there is a lot of things going on at home and things I realised I needed to be there for. I wanted to be there for helping my parents move out, for boxing up all my old room and helping my mum pack up our house. I wanted to be at home for my dad’s operation in August so I can visit in hospital and help everyone out.

To some people, giving up that opportunity might be seen as  unfathomable but to me, it was easy. I’m fortunate enough to be able to afford to have done so and flown home. I spend over 19 hours travelling on my own over Friday/Saturday and not once did I want to turn around and go back. I knew I was making the right decision for me.

I told a few friends in succession that I had left and they all had similar responses: do what is right for you and what you want. For a little while I was terrified about people thinking badly of me for quitting but after a lot of conversations with myself, all I can think is stuff it.

It doesn’t always work out and that is absolutely okay. I went and tried something different, something new. It doesn’t mean I’ll never travel again. It doesn’t mean that at all. I still love going abroad and trying new things. I still want to tick all the places off my bucket list. I still want to visit my friend who is going to study abroad for a year. To go on holiday with my sister.

It does mean that I will think about things more thoroughly before committing. I got sucked in to my job at camp: I said yes to something without even thinking about it. Once I commit to something, I follow my decision. I followed my decision to America and then I followed one back. I agreed to do something that was in my past, working with horses is just not me anymore. It was my biggest skill and I went with it but that wasn’t the right decision. People change, grow and evolve and it is so important to recognise that about yourself. I didn’t realise how much I had until I was facing it again. It just wasn’t me.

I made a mistake and admitting it felt like a relief. The moment I landed in Edinburgh and was reunited with my parents, I smiled the whole way home. I smiled all day Saturday, all Saturday night at a very good friend’s 21st celebrations which was an added bonus of coming home and all day Sunday. I’m sure there will be times when I regret it, when I ponder the what ifs. When I see pictures on Facebook of camp and travelling posted by the friends I met there. But I know that I made the right decision for myself – and it feels good knowing that.

Often I wander through life (and decision-making) filled with a lack of confidence and worry but this decision feels right. At the end of the day, it was easy and I’m not ashamed to tell people that I left. I know everything will work itself out – things always do. It is okay to admit you are wrong and decide to change your path. I did. Now I can look forward to a summer at home and a proper break from university, whilst blogging along the way!